scared

sometimes it really scares me how I think.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of working everyday..sometimes 2 jobs and coming home to pack and clean... I'm not complianing about my jobs.. but I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of having a lump in my throat.. I'm tired of having tears balance on the edge of my lashes.  I'm tired of my heart hurting.

I'm just so tired.

Help

I know this is horrible to ask for help around this time of year... but due to a call I got this morning... I need help.

I answered the phone wondering why the bankruptcy agency would be calling me.....

The lump in my throat just knew it was something bad.

They need $260 more to finish discharging my case... if not, I'll have saved and paid them money I didn't really have to this point, for nothing.

In the middle of moving, trying to work a part-time job and a seasonal job.. and still keep my bills paid, I simply don't have the $260 :(

So, I'm reaching out...

If you have even $5.00 to spare.. please, please help my 'donating' to my discharge.  I would appreciate every single penny.  I will keep track of each person who donates and put everyones name in a drawing to win something fabulous!

Please, I'm begging ... help.

xo
Alexa

The New Place

Was filthy. ew.  I have spent so much of my 'free' time just cleaning the place before I even try to move anything in.  I polished the hardwood floors... they look brand new.. I'm going in to paint tonight hopefully, if I have enough funds to at least cover some paint cans for the front room (the owner is going to pay me back.. I just have to keep the receipts).

I wasn't sure about this place... seemed so cold.. so stark compared to my house.  But, little by little I'm breathing life into it.. and I'm feeling much better about my decision to accept this place as my new home.

I did put Ciyan down this past weekend.  I was hard for me.  I sobbed, my heart stayed in my throat.. and I still had to go to work and paste on a smile for customers, when inside all I wanted to do was cry.

I can't have dogs at this new place (but they were the only ones willing to work with my bankruptcy and divorce on my credit).  So, I'm having to give up Tibit too.  Thankfully my cousin is taking him.  He has tons of land and a huge house.  I can visit him when I want and I've promised I would pay for his food, etc whenever he needs it. Hopefully the landlord will change his mind about dogs and let me have him back.  I'm thinking the owner was burned with pets and thats why he says no to dogs... While cleaning, every vent was packed with long dog hair.  It was disgusting.  These people NEVER cleaned the vents, or swept.  *gag*  So, I'm determined to prove myself a good renter and hopefully make him change his mind about Tibit.  It's killing me to have to let him go to another home.. He's been with me since he was born and I took care of him and his siblings and mommy.  I hand fed him because he was the runt and rarely got to eat... I have a special tie to him and it's on my heart.. where a broken piece from Ciyan already is.  I miss Ciyan so much.. I miss letting him out to potty.. watching his little nubby tail wag just waiting for me to put the food dishes down... I miss his little personality that would make me smile even on the worst of days... I miss him.

I've been taking 'before' pics of the new place.. and I'll be taking after pics as well.. I'll be sure to share them!

I'm trying to bend to all this change... I hate change... but I know it's how it has to be for me to move on.. and I'm determined to make it all work... I'm determined for it all to be positive.. I'm determined to be happy.

I want to thank all of you for being there to support me ... even if it was just a few kind words... I appreciate each and every one.

xo
Alexa

Fuck everything.

My family, a bunch of self involved closed minded people.

Yes, I said it outloud.  What I’ve been crying about, worried about, stressed about… I said it.  Through the roughest time in my life that I’m going through (besides losing my best friend).  I was unemployed for 6, almost 7 months… did anyone in my immediate family call to see if they could do anything to help?  No.

I let that pass.

I’ve asked for help from my immediate family for moving.  My sister said she wouldn’t have time (I even asked her to at least help me pack), AFTER she said 'no' because she has 'finals'... I find out she’s traveling 2 hours away and making time for my brother this weekend and the kid.  I’m going through tough times.. Losing my house of 11 years.. Lost my marriage and have to put Ciyan down.  (Ciyan will be tomorrow.. My precious baby will be gone, and they know how much my dogs mean to me-has anyone called to check on me???? NO.)

I’ve gone through bankruptcy… everyone has forgotten all this loss I’m experiencing.  Everyone chooses to forget I’m struggling.

Don’t tell me family is there for you when you need them most.  I don’t want to hear that shit.  My family is around when things are good… or they wait to see you fail so they can say ‘I told you so’.  (the last time I saw my mother was my birthday, last year.. FEB!!! She lives 15 min's away!!!!)  My brother has a kid, just found out he’s having another (only been married a year!)… and yet.. Everyone rallies around him.  My sister, going to college, another golden child to them.

Me, I’m a failure in their eyes and apparently not worth their time.  Shouldn’t your family rally together and hold you up, help you back up on your feet (not even money.. Just support)???

I’ve decided I’m done. I’m done trying to reach out… I’m done asking for ANYTHING.  I’m done.  Fuck it.

That’s all I have to say.

Fuck it.  Fuck everything.  I’ve gotten along by myself all these years… I’ve pretty much done everything on my own.  I don’t need anyone now.

I wish I was moving out of state and that I hadn't signed a lease here.  I wouldn’t look back.

Thanksgiving and other stuff...

So, Thanksgiving came and went this year.. and while I would usually be unpacking holiday decorations, I was packing them.

This makes me sad, and irritated at the same time.

Sad, because this is 11 years worth of house I'm having to go through.. give things to Amvets, sell things, throw things away....going through memories...

Irritated, because this is comfortable to me.. it's been my comfort for the past 11 years... and now I have to get used to something else...and if you know me... I HATE change.  Seriously, HATE it.  ew ew ew.  Things are just going to be so different... I'm going back to renting... a really small place I can afford.. I wont have my dogs... I'm losing everything that gave me comfort.

But, lets look at this....

This COULD be a new start... a start fresh.... starting over.... I remember when I was 18, I took the leap and moved out of my parents house.  I was scared, but I did it... and then I didn't have anything but a bed and a tv to my name.  I didn't even have a car.. but I did it.  I just got jobs I could walk to.

So, I'm crossing my fingers that I will be happy.. that this will give me the fresh start I need and I'll leave these bad memories behind and start making new, happy ones.

I apologize for not taking more time to blog.. but as you can see... I've been busy with the new job and trying to pack everything....

xo
Alexa

Thanksgiving!?

What?! It's like I turn around and its already almost Thanksgiving!!

Got horrible news on Saturday via the wonderful USPS mail. I will probably have to be out of my home by NEXT month or January. I'm heartbroken. I called so many places to see if they would rent to me... but with the bankruptcy, they either want to charge an arm and a leg to move in or just wont look at me. :( I am struggling as it is and just don't have an extra $700 layin' around :( (I wish I did, but then I'd be rich and not in this situation, right?)

So, I'm reaching out to you .... my friends, my fans... If you have ANY extra that you can donate to help me move, I would greatly appreciate it. I will send you a note along with an autographed photo, and do a drawing for a personal phone call. I'm desperate here... I don't want to be homeless :( Being unemployed for 6 months really sucked my finances dry and actually my faith in 'everything will be ok'.... I'm beginning to lose hope... It seems when I finally get a job, and things are looking better (even though I had to take a massive pay cut), I open my mailbox and I'm brought down to earth. :(

On another topic, I'm searching my closet and drawers for eye catching outfits for my next shoot. If you want to donate to helping me purchase something new, let me know... I could make a 'wish list' of things I'd like to see in photos :)

I hope you all are having wonderful November's so far... this is my favorite weather!! Cold sometimes, yes... but I love curling up under a blankie :)

xo
Alexa

Wow, sorry I've been MIA

Yes, yes, I know.... I've not posted a blog in FOREVER. I've been so busy with my new (yes I said NEW!!! Not unemployed anymore!) job. Training, working etc... feeling like I have purpose again.. only part-time, but I think I told you that...

Woke up this morning, early, and walked like I have been. It was FREEZING!!! What is up with this damn weather... I haven't kicked the furnace on yet, saving money and using my space heaters and LAYERS of clothes! Yes, I'm dieting.. I should be in the best shape of my life after not having a job for so long... should have used my time to work out.. but there I sat on my couch playing PS3 and not having any motivation... I'm not fat, but I get winded walking/jogging a lot faster than I used to.. so, I'm working at building my stamina back up and toning :) My goal? I want to look like Kim Kardashian like she does in that damn shoot for W magazine! Lofty goals? So? I'll reach them! :) I'm told I look like her anyway.. (yay me!)

My older dog will probably need to be put to sleep soon... he's having accidents and having problems walking like an old person with arthritis would.. I have to give him a 1/2 a baby aspirin twice a day to keep him looking comfortable and not in pain. :( I'm afraid for my other doggy.. he's never ever been 'alone'... I know he'll have me... but I don't have four legs, thankfully for everyone.. Keep them both in your thoughts...

I'm still applying for other jobs to fill my empty time and try to save money. I know I wont be able to stay in my home for long.. and I've looked at the rental prices around this area... UGH. I'm not quite sure how I'll do this alone. :( So, please keep me in your thoughts as well!!!

I'm in contact with my photographer to get some new shots to post and sell... I'm getting out of my funk and doing what I love!! His idea: Junk yard - he's gotten an ok from the owner and I just need to get a day I'm free... does anyone else have ideas?

Well, my new office has a huge window for me to look out... when the trees were full and lush I couldn't see the freeway... now I can.. there are very few leaves left on the branches now... especially after that 'end of the world' storm the other day!! Damn my ADHD!! I keep staring at the flippin freeway!! Man, it looks cold out there! I have a 'neighborhood' squirrel that plays out there too and diverts my attention all the time.. I think he is hyperactive..lol Every once in a while another squirrel will join him and he runs circles around him like he's high..lol

I hope everyone is having a wonderful October!! I will try to post more often :) Can you believe Thanksgiving is NEXT MONTH!!??

xo
Alexa

Jobs and stuff

Well, I finally got a job... part-time, but it's a job. It could grow into a full time job... so lets just cross our fingers! A gentleman two offices down wants to use my admin/computer software skills as well and wants to hire me a couple times a week to update things. Things are starting to look up!

I stopped into a little bar not far from my office one day after work. I really liked the place.. very laid back.. and they have a HUGE patio! So, talking to the bartender I asked if they were hiring.... and guess what! They were... apparently some girls had been calling off, one didn't show.. they just seemed imature to me.. I filled out an ap and got a job there too!! Part-time of course, and not conflicting with my 'big girl job'.

So, lets hope this is an uphill part of my life.

xo

Online? huh?

So, why do I even bother taking my resume` with me anywhere? I've been told so many times to 'get online and fill out our application and test'. I'm standing there, like... 'but I have my resume`, can't you pass it onto the hiring manager?' Things have changed so much since the last time I searched for a job. Hardly anyone asks for a resume` now. Course, like I've said before... most also tell me I'm 'over-qualified' for any job I go out to get. I think it would show that I have more drive to actually get the resume` done, printed out and drive to the place of business.. not sit on my butt and fill out forms online just hoping someone would pick me out of the 100's.

I'm so hopeful to find a job in the next couple of weeks. This is getting ridiculous.

I'm now watching a new show.. 'The OCD Project'... wow. Do people really live like this? I frequently thought I had a form of OCD.. but NOTHING like these cases. Wow.

It's been storming here.. last night was horrible and a tornado touched down not far from here. It's gloomy and dreary today again and we have threats of Thunder Storms.

I have to work on myself. I feel like a kid stuck in an adult body. I feel like I haven't been able to experience a lot since I was forced to grow up quick.. and now I feel like I've been thrown back. I've been thinking of writing a book.. a book about my life, my struggles, and by the end of this chapter in my life.. I hope a happy ending.

Please let me know your thoughts or ideas for a book.. would you buy it, read it? Do you know a place I can have it published?

Yuck, what a day.

Yeah, I know, I seem to be whining a lot lately.

I planned on putting all my stuff out for a garage sale again.. but I woke up to thunder.. and pouring rain... so, I went back to bed....

Woke up and lugged all the stuff back down to the basement... I'll put it back out when the community has a day for garage sales.

I really just wanted to thank all those who have served, who are serving and those MIA and who have lost their lives for us. This day is for you. Thank you.

Hot. Outside for the second day.. but I'm not complaining...

So, I gathered a TON of stuff to sell in a yard/garage sale, and this is what I've been doing this weekend... This is the second day I've sat out here with the items. I'm dreading dragging everything back in that doesn't sell. Ugh. I hope it gets busier... there were more people out yesterday. I wonder if I should sit out here tomorrow too. This is one of the ways I figured I could make some 'living' money. I've priced everything to sell.. and hell, if you want something make an offer, you'll probably get it.

I heard that Office Max is hiring two new managers.. so, we'll see on Tuesday about going down there.. I hope they don't tell me I'm over-qualified and give me a chance... I'll let you all know how that goes when the time comes.

My neighbor (three doors down) came and talked to me with her kid. They adopted her from Russia two months ago. Traveled there twice.. and paid for the kid???? Wow, some people have money they can throw around like that I guess... and yes, it happened BEFORE all that crap about the woman sending the kid back to Russia because he was 'bad'.

I just heard Beer was going up in price too. Some of those beers like PBR are going to suffer.. cause if your paying that much for beer, you might as well get Bud. Man, everything is suffering and raising prices when people can't really afford it.. Things are ass backwards.

Broken Heart... again.

My heart is breaking again. I got a letter stating I had to be out of my house by the 18th of August. This crushes me. I need a job so badly.

I guess I'll tell you what I needed to meet a lawyer for ... I am going through a divorce.. if you can call it that. I have no money to fight, and he's trying to give me all the debt.. including the house. He has not paid me one cent. Not one cent to help with the electric or gas.. or anything. He stepped out of our marraige and was unfaithful. I am now trying to get out. To get out of an institution that held me .. I was faithful, I wanted the best.. but I was crushed.. by something I thought that would last.

I am going through so much right now.. so much turmoil .. and not having a job to get me out of this mess is killing me.

The lawyer wants $500 to continue fighting. To type up a proposal.. with out the money he wont do anything.

I am lost, and I don't know what to do. I need help.

I think I'm being tested....

Yeah....that's what I've decided.

Things seem to pile on me.. is it because I haven't broken yet? Is it because I can somehow handle things that others couldn't? I don't handle things well, I'm very emotional, but they happen... and they happen to me.

I was washing clothes on yet another unemployed day. Let the dogs out... picked up a bit outside... looked at the grass, and couldn't see my dogs.. ugh.. how embarrasing. Let the dogs in .. went upstairs to get sheets to wash next.

Got to the basement door and realized the water was still running?

There was water ALL OVER basement. I skip ran the steps making it to the washer as fast as I could to shut it off. This can't be happening... last week the dryer started not turning off, so I have to remember to stop it when things are dry. So, I spent all day cleaning up water and letting the basement air out. All I could do is stare at my washer... wanting to take a sledge hammer to it.

I decided to come upstairs and take a breather... try to relax and breathe.

I then got in my car because my lawyer wanted to meet with me to sign papers. (yeah, a whole long OTHER story) I'm driving along and sudennly feel a thump thump and I feel tilted. So, I turned around because I wasn't far from home. I get out and walk around the car... a HOLE the size of my hand was in my back tire. I have a flat.. not a fixable flat, but a FLAT. I kicked it.

I'm stranded now at home with a car jacked up in my garage because I can't get the damn thing off. I've had to reschedule with the lawyer and my basment smells like wettness now. I don't have a job, and I don't have money that I'm making like I have since I was 14.

(oh, and I can't remember if I said anything, but my toilet broke last week as well and I had to clean up water *clean thankfully* because something busted.. and now it needs a new supply line and toilet)

I look up at the sky and just wonder if I'm being tested... If someone is trying to see how far I can be pushed until I break... I'm beginging to wonder if it's close.

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts....

Those are the first few words of Michael Buble's new song, 'Haven't Met You Yet'.

I like Michael Buble... The new song, I thought it was kind of irritating and I would turn it when I heard it come on. Then.... I gave it a chance.. I listened to the words.. Take out the 'relationship' view, and listen to the words, I can see or feel what he's saying.

So many things in his song...
"I've broken my heart so many times, I've stopped keeping track
I talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down"...

Wow, do I know what he's talking about.. it's not even about the relationship that he's supposedly talking about ... It's me.. my everyday life...

.... 'I know someday it'll all work out'....

This is what I keep telling myself.. don't give up, it will all work out.

.....'I might have to wait, I'll never give up'....

I keep telling myself this as well... just don't give up... keep plugging along and trying...

This is the first time in my life I've had to ask for help.. it's killing me. I've been so independant, always making my own money, never asking anyone for help. Out on my own by the age of 18, I aquired what I have by myself, I can't say my mommy or daddy got me anything. In turn, I feel I appreciate things more. Everything from the money I earn to things I buy.... I take nothing for granted. Asking for help has taken so much of me to voice. I'm not used to feeling hopeless or helpless. If my car needed fixed, I'd save my money and fix it.. if I needed something at home fixed, I'd save and pay it myself. Not being able to do that is killing me. Having to ask for help is foreign to me...

I volunteered so many places, knowing something could happen to me to lose everything I have at any moment, and helping others made me feel better. If you've never seen the movie, 'Pay it Forward', you need to pick it up. It's a heartfelt movie, and of course made me cry... but it's how each of us should live our lives...

I saw Will.I.Am on Opera the other day. He paid off two families homes!!! I liked the man and his music before, but now I have even more of a deep respect for him. I only wish to be able to fulfill lives like that. He is using the money we pay for records, songs, etc.. and helping others with the ridiculous amount of money he earns. Hats off to him... It makes my heart swell... when the families cried I cried.

Will and Jada Smith are on Opera right now... I've always loved them.. (what the hell am I doing watching Opera!!??)

Oh, and my 18 (in June will be 19) year old dog is having problems and I will probably have to put him down soon. Things are just piling on...

...'I tried so hard not to lose it, I came up with a million excuses'....
.... 'I know someday it will all work out'.....

Another day... and no dollar..

Of course its a Sunday, so no-one has called me back for any interviews or let me know any outcomes of any interviews. blah.

Didn't get to sleep until around 3am... got up around noon. This is ridiculous. I've wasted half my day. I kick myself when I wake up.

I've cleaned the hell out of my house today.. just because I'm bored. I got online and filled out apps and forwarded my resume` to several places. I've even found myself reading up on online moneymaking.

I REALLY need to mow the grass, however, finding money to fill a little red tank of gas has been impossible right now. My unemployment is still 'pending'. No decisions. You can barely see my short weiner dog bounce through the back grass. I'm so embarrased.

As I type this, I'm trying to get the gumption up to go for my daily 4 mile jog. Might as well stay in shape instead of turning into a couch potato that plays Uncharted online all day.

I should fill my trunk with bags of trash to dump at my old job's bins, since I haven't been making money, I've ceased paying for my trash pick-up. This is getting out of hand too.

I'm random, I know this.. so ... playing on the tv is 'The Hills'.... I've never seen it... do people really watch this... OMG>.. FUNNY. You don't have enough drama in your own life?? lol

Well, off to jog... Hope you are all having a better day than me and are being thankful every second for your job you hold.

After 13 Years... I have no job..

I was loyal to my employer... I was at work every day... Rarely ever calling off. It had to be something earth shaking for me to call off. I even showed up when I wasn't feeling well, thankful for HAVING a job.

I even went and paid to go to school during the weekends to help and get my license. Enabling me to do more with my job and with clientele. Office accounting, scheduling, creating ads and fact sheets, discussing situations with clients, troubleshooting and taking care of my daily routines.

Then, after 13 years... I was let go. I was lost. I'm still lost. The job market here is bad. I have applied and left my resume at dozens of business'. I have called each place and have been told many times I'm over qualified. Overqualified???? I don't care!! Just give me a job so I can pay my bills!!

I always thought I'd have this job.. I always thought I'd retire there. I thought I was one of the lucky ones that didn't have to worry about downsizing or losing my means of living.

However, here I am.. sitting behind my computer, unemployed and struggling for money. I have so much to offer a company, but no-one is willing to take a chance on me. I just want a chance to prove myself, to prove my loyalty and to prove I learn quickly and do my work efficiently.

I lost my job, going through a divorce and have no money. I'm thinking things just can't get worse.

I am an emotional person. I don't want to be fucked over, I don't want to be fucked around on or lied to. I'm very simple. Simple to make happy. All I want is for someone to love me back, have a job and be happy. That's all. Is it too much to ask?