scared

sometimes it really scares me how I think.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of working everyday..sometimes 2 jobs and coming home to pack and clean... I'm not complianing about my jobs.. but I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of having a lump in my throat.. I'm tired of having tears balance on the edge of my lashes.  I'm tired of my heart hurting.

I'm just so tired.

Help

I know this is horrible to ask for help around this time of year... but due to a call I got this morning... I need help.

I answered the phone wondering why the bankruptcy agency would be calling me.....

The lump in my throat just knew it was something bad.

They need $260 more to finish discharging my case... if not, I'll have saved and paid them money I didn't really have to this point, for nothing.

In the middle of moving, trying to work a part-time job and a seasonal job.. and still keep my bills paid, I simply don't have the $260 :(

So, I'm reaching out...

If you have even $5.00 to spare.. please, please help my 'donating' to my discharge.  I would appreciate every single penny.  I will keep track of each person who donates and put everyones name in a drawing to win something fabulous!

Please, I'm begging ... help.

xo
Alexa

The New Place

Was filthy. ew.  I have spent so much of my 'free' time just cleaning the place before I even try to move anything in.  I polished the hardwood floors... they look brand new.. I'm going in to paint tonight hopefully, if I have enough funds to at least cover some paint cans for the front room (the owner is going to pay me back.. I just have to keep the receipts).

I wasn't sure about this place... seemed so cold.. so stark compared to my house.  But, little by little I'm breathing life into it.. and I'm feeling much better about my decision to accept this place as my new home.

I did put Ciyan down this past weekend.  I was hard for me.  I sobbed, my heart stayed in my throat.. and I still had to go to work and paste on a smile for customers, when inside all I wanted to do was cry.

I can't have dogs at this new place (but they were the only ones willing to work with my bankruptcy and divorce on my credit).  So, I'm having to give up Tibit too.  Thankfully my cousin is taking him.  He has tons of land and a huge house.  I can visit him when I want and I've promised I would pay for his food, etc whenever he needs it. Hopefully the landlord will change his mind about dogs and let me have him back.  I'm thinking the owner was burned with pets and thats why he says no to dogs... While cleaning, every vent was packed with long dog hair.  It was disgusting.  These people NEVER cleaned the vents, or swept.  *gag*  So, I'm determined to prove myself a good renter and hopefully make him change his mind about Tibit.  It's killing me to have to let him go to another home.. He's been with me since he was born and I took care of him and his siblings and mommy.  I hand fed him because he was the runt and rarely got to eat... I have a special tie to him and it's on my heart.. where a broken piece from Ciyan already is.  I miss Ciyan so much.. I miss letting him out to potty.. watching his little nubby tail wag just waiting for me to put the food dishes down... I miss his little personality that would make me smile even on the worst of days... I miss him.

I've been taking 'before' pics of the new place.. and I'll be taking after pics as well.. I'll be sure to share them!

I'm trying to bend to all this change... I hate change... but I know it's how it has to be for me to move on.. and I'm determined to make it all work... I'm determined for it all to be positive.. I'm determined to be happy.

I want to thank all of you for being there to support me ... even if it was just a few kind words... I appreciate each and every one.

xo
Alexa

Fuck everything.

My family, a bunch of self involved closed minded people.

Yes, I said it outloud.  What I’ve been crying about, worried about, stressed about… I said it.  Through the roughest time in my life that I’m going through (besides losing my best friend).  I was unemployed for 6, almost 7 months… did anyone in my immediate family call to see if they could do anything to help?  No.

I let that pass.

I’ve asked for help from my immediate family for moving.  My sister said she wouldn’t have time (I even asked her to at least help me pack), AFTER she said 'no' because she has 'finals'... I find out she’s traveling 2 hours away and making time for my brother this weekend and the kid.  I’m going through tough times.. Losing my house of 11 years.. Lost my marriage and have to put Ciyan down.  (Ciyan will be tomorrow.. My precious baby will be gone, and they know how much my dogs mean to me-has anyone called to check on me???? NO.)

I’ve gone through bankruptcy… everyone has forgotten all this loss I’m experiencing.  Everyone chooses to forget I’m struggling.

Don’t tell me family is there for you when you need them most.  I don’t want to hear that shit.  My family is around when things are good… or they wait to see you fail so they can say ‘I told you so’.  (the last time I saw my mother was my birthday, last year.. FEB!!! She lives 15 min's away!!!!)  My brother has a kid, just found out he’s having another (only been married a year!)… and yet.. Everyone rallies around him.  My sister, going to college, another golden child to them.

Me, I’m a failure in their eyes and apparently not worth their time.  Shouldn’t your family rally together and hold you up, help you back up on your feet (not even money.. Just support)???

I’ve decided I’m done. I’m done trying to reach out… I’m done asking for ANYTHING.  I’m done.  Fuck it.

That’s all I have to say.

Fuck it.  Fuck everything.  I’ve gotten along by myself all these years… I’ve pretty much done everything on my own.  I don’t need anyone now.

I wish I was moving out of state and that I hadn't signed a lease here.  I wouldn’t look back.

Thanksgiving and other stuff...

So, Thanksgiving came and went this year.. and while I would usually be unpacking holiday decorations, I was packing them.

This makes me sad, and irritated at the same time.

Sad, because this is 11 years worth of house I'm having to go through.. give things to Amvets, sell things, throw things away....going through memories...

Irritated, because this is comfortable to me.. it's been my comfort for the past 11 years... and now I have to get used to something else...and if you know me... I HATE change.  Seriously, HATE it.  ew ew ew.  Things are just going to be so different... I'm going back to renting... a really small place I can afford.. I wont have my dogs... I'm losing everything that gave me comfort.

But, lets look at this....

This COULD be a new start... a start fresh.... starting over.... I remember when I was 18, I took the leap and moved out of my parents house.  I was scared, but I did it... and then I didn't have anything but a bed and a tv to my name.  I didn't even have a car.. but I did it.  I just got jobs I could walk to.

So, I'm crossing my fingers that I will be happy.. that this will give me the fresh start I need and I'll leave these bad memories behind and start making new, happy ones.

I apologize for not taking more time to blog.. but as you can see... I've been busy with the new job and trying to pack everything....

xo
Alexa